Adminiberish

Here in the land of zeros (with no other numbers in front of them), we’re resentfully redefining what it’s like to live in the land of fake opportunity and be kicked in the face every day by anyone even slightly economically better off than we are.

Since your existing dictionaries and polite dialogue simply don’t capture the cruelty and futility of any aspect of work, money, or how dead we feel inside about that, we’re offering a proper guide to the intentional engineering of this feudal land of lords and peasants that some have laughingly referred to as something besides a vicious oligarchy. HA HA HA!

So, you’re welcome for this fantastic translation manual. Now read, but it comes with a “weep” warning.

Work: Wink, wink, it’s the thing you do for free to benefit bosses, tycoons, and the political class of corporately owned vote robots who pretend meritocracy is real while hanging out with sex predators.

Education: That’s the thing you do for debt to never be considered good enough to earn money or work.

Toilet: While it’s unclear whether the upper classes consider us to be the toilet they flush their shit down or whether we are considered the shit they flush, we know it all leads to a sewer.

Worthless arrogant plutocratic prick: All of Wall Street, Congress, Silicon Valley, anyone associated with the Ivy Leagues, and the commentary class of media talking heads blathering on about how great the economy is.

Dumbass: Any country that brags about being the wealthiest on earth while simultaneously doing bupkis for decades about hungry schoolkids, homeless veterans, or a single-payer healthcare system for all citizens, then has the utter lack of brain cells to genuinely believe no one noticed the utter hypocrisy.

Evil: See “U.S. economy since 1981”, also see entry on “U.S. economy since 1581”

Stupid: See entries for “work”, “education”, “toilet”, “worthless arrogant plutocratic prick”, “dumbass”, and “evil”

Pointless: How anyone who is halfway normal feels about everything right now.

Money: This thing you’ll never have that the upper class tried to brainwash you about as they droned on about how education and work could get you money while ordering their grandparents’ imported fine crystal butlers to load up the private plane with the dough stolen from the company’s pension plan.

Irresponsible: This idea that somehow you the peasant person are lazy, stupid, outdated, and so bad with money that you should pay out of your own empty pocket for more education so that you can beg for more work while still never being good enough for an entire country because you just don’t come from the right zip code.

Deceased: See entry on “U.S. economy for regular people”

No, dipshit: How regular people have felt for decades about every lobbyist-sponsored, pork-packed rubber-stamped piece of “legislation” that will inevitably do nothing to help regular people since that’s evidently not the idea of some place saying it’s a republic “for all”. I mean, duh.

Legislation: A fictional character in one of the longest-winded series on television. A shape-shifter by nature who has magical powers of invisibility, blockade, and power dance moves, “the Leg” flies by night, leaving only traces of gibberish in its place. Similar to the Tooth Fairy, and yet so much more devious, it only deposits gold under the pillows of the rich, while stealing homes, cars, jobs, businesses, and health care away from the poor. Politicians everywhere consider “the Leg” a true American hero.

Politicians: Partisan hacks who don’t know what a “country” is. Unaware their job description includes something called “governance”, instead they enrich themselves privately in the world’s most obvious insider trading scheme, also known as “Congress”, while mouthing platitudes to rage-filled voters who wonder how the hell to get through another day of complete bullshit.

Bullshit: Pretty much everything right now?

So, if you’re feeling stressed, disgusted, and hopeless about any or all of the above, trust me, you are far more brilliant and worthy than those who are kicking you down the broken American ladder.

And apologies of course that we found no entries whatsoever for the terms “fix”, “repair”, “equal”, “free” or “fair”. That’s something our team is currently working on, it’s just this one small problem that we have no team at all.

We did find archaic language references, thanks to the help of international linguists fluent in Ye Olde Americana dialect, to the terms “middle class”, “retirement plan”, and “stability”, with additional notes on “living wages”. I’m afraid, however, that since that is essentially a foreign language to us, we’ll have to give it years of study before we can interpret these historical concepts properly for you.

Thanks to absolutely no one my entire wasted life for your overwhelming lack of attention to all of these matters.