Let's Rename Everything!

In a fit of unforgivable unnecessity, the country formerly known as “The United States of America” will be officially renaming…whatever it feels like.

After all, it truly has been a top voter priority these many decades to relabel as many buildings, bodies of water, and states into an egomaniac amalgamation of generic ‘Merica reference points as humanly possible. Remember the speeches? All those campaign promises election after election that were always broken, and nothing got renamed “America”?! Remember how desperately you craved your taxpayer dollars going toward rewriting every official government map used by Federal agencies for consequential domestic and international affairs?

No, nor do I remember any such thing, but I’m always one of those losers concerned about the job market, instead of obsessing over really important issues like how many piles of rock can be wrapped in a flag via verbiage.

It hardly matters that if everything is named “America”, nothing will actually be distinguishable from anything else, and also, we were all losing sleep over that. What with the cost of living being so cheap, healthcare so accessible and affordable for so many generations, and nearly zero geopolitical turmoil, it’s not as if there’s anything more important to focus on, either.

So, it just makes sense to address this burning desire on behalf of millions of Americans to make sure that everything pretty much has the same name, all over, just separated by a “gulf” or a “lake” or a “state” as a qualifier on what portion of essential ‘Merica anatomy has passed through the nomenclature colon of an administration crapping out bad ideas faster than a cruise hit with norovirus. Which is somehow exactly what living through this ride of a time feels like.

Various proposals are under fierce and essentially stupid discussion, but let’s not be daunted in the face of frayed neurons lost in a cloud of brain fog, shall we? An unnamed and basically unidentifiable source close to the administration and looking every inch the clone demanded of the orange-adjacent rank-and-file reported 1) that their plastic surgeon was a genius 2) his name was also Dr. America, and 3) all states would be renamed America 1 through 50 in the order of joining ‘Merica back in the day.

Evidently, this wondrous plan leaked, perhaps due to the amount of anesthesia required to be the appropriate sculpted administration-adjacent robo-advisor; people can say some wacky stuff when they’re waking up from the cosmetic surgery required now for employment, and it’s this average ‘Merican schmuck’s theory that’s how the “Secret State ‘Merica Name Game Super Great Plan” got out.

When word broke of this hyper excellent uber-priority plan to really help all of us stabilize our ‘Merican lives after years of turmoil ‘cuz somehow ‘Mericanizing every place name in the known universe would solve…anything…Boston and Philly immediately got into a fistfight. Turned out, it was more for the sake of having a fistfight than actually giving a rat’s patoot about which one of the thirteen original colonies would be “‘Merica State One”.

At this “original thirteen colonies” supposed competition to be “’Merica State One”, Southern Connecticut immediately whined, then filed a lawsuit, muttering about Charter Oaks and Magna Cartas, then commuted into Manhattan to earn a gazillion dollars a day effing the world over via Wall Street while grumbling about their investor-class lives. That prompted another fistfight between Boston and Philly, which both cities thoroughly enjoyed, since they teamed up to beat the snot out of southern Connecticut. Overall it was a bang up first day of state renaming, resulting only in one inflatable kiddie pool being officially spray-painted with stars, stripes, and various obscene gestures.

Nonetheless, imagine if this “Secret State ‘Merica Name Game Super Great Plan” succeeds. Which state would you live in, number 17 or 42? We love to hear from frustrated map readers everywhere! Has it been confusing to distinguish between ‘Merica Lake 78 and ‘Merica Lake 87? Got to applaud the old map apps that now simply open with a pop-up window announcing, “we give up on this bullshit”.

Despite the ultrapatriotic amazingness of “Secret State ‘Merica Name Game Super Great Plan”, it turns out that, as proposed, it does have some complications. For example, it calls for re-naming the place the President is in, whenever he is in it, to “’Merica State One”. That would at times mean the vicinity formerly known as “Washington, D.C.” would be granted statehood (at long last!), only to have it immediately stripped away when the President traveled. That would, at the time of this writer’s infuriated blatherings, mean that Ireland would become ‘Merica State One, and to say that the Irish have some feelings about that would—pardon me, I need to go referee a fistfight.

Not to say that this longed for, top-of-the-mind, massive voter goal of The Great Renaming doesn’t have its fans. It does; this blog just refuses to associate with any of them. After all, it does feel just a trifle insulting to have world-renowned landmarks turned into post-apocalyptic Trivial Pursuit answers. Calling the Empire State Building “Big ‘Merica Spike One” and designating the Chrysler Building as “Big ‘Merica Spike Two” has this author yearning for creative ways to use spikes, and it sure wouldn’t be on a renaming spree.

But I’m sure as usual, this peasant just can’t see the value-add present in the wisdom of my fiefdom overlords, so magnificent in their power and pride of place. After all, I’m just a worker, a voter, a taxpayer; what would I know about the country I’ve lived in for decades and what might be needed versus totally superfluous? Since it’s made us such great friends and fans to redraw maps, whether international or electoral, and been such a scant source of controversy or contempt, who would even have a quibble?

If you’ve heard any updates on “Secret State ‘Merica Name Game Super Great Plan”, keep us all updated, because no geolocation tool possibly can!

Just email whatevernonsensehappensnext@noonereadstheirdamnemailsanymore.com and type into the coldhearted billionaire-owned data-thieving void where dank memes used to live. We’ll never get back to you, because we’re too busy changing our signage and revising our addresses to ‘Merica Road of Ruin, Dumbville, USA, zip code zip, State of Play Unacceptable. Postmark that at mark my words, this doesn’t end well, P.S. November is coming!