Teacher Says Congress

My teacher said we had to write essays about American government and I was like, I’ve never even heard of it. So then I had to write an essay in detention. I don’t think it’s a crime to be funny but I am constantly treated like it. There’s this thing I’ve heard of that is an “appeal” and I tried to use the library computers to see if I could file one, because that’s what they say you do with appeals, and then they put me at my own table and said don’t touch anything except your pencil and this paper. Also they said don’t bounce the erasers off the furniture but I said I’m practicing hand-eye coordination and that did not go over well. So here I am. My assignment was tell people about Congress. Gross.

Anyway, I know something even if I wish I didn’t so here goes. I’m using all my fancy words and my teacher said I can do spell check the old-fashioned way but if I hand in something written by AI, I will be in detention ‘til I’m 90. Also, I can use a dictionary and a thesaurus but not online and what is with how small the type is in paper with no magnification settings?

I’ll ask my grandma how people even lived like this. She’ll know. Maybe she would know about Congress but usually there’s just a lot of f-words and s-words and d-words and b-words when she watches the news or my mom brings something up about it. I say go Grandma! Kick their butts! And then my mom says I better not be talking like that and why don’t I go learn something. I was like, better not send me to school then. So I’ve had my tablet taken away because now I’m grounded and detentioned, but Grandma lets me cheat and also buys Fruit Clusters Butter Bombs Breakfast Nuggets, so I know what’s what around here. My grandma says Congress does not, so I figure I’m doing better than them.

Okay, so, Congress is this thing that has a name, but not a job. If you’ve ever seen BBC or PBS or something like that, these shows of a story that takes place in olden times, maybe on TV or on a streaming platform, and there’s a bunch of “lords” and “ladies”, or “nobles” and “aristocrats”, Congress is kind of like that. People with a lot of outfits who don’t have to work.

So sometimes it seems like they are kind of like celebrities. You have to spot the differences. It’s like, both of these high-society clubs have a lot of words, and somehow always for the peasants. I learned about peasants when we learned about medieval times. Mom said no one should eat that much meat and Grandma said more drumsticks, and the jousts were really cool. Anyway, peasants are like you and me and our parents and neighbors and friends and stuff, we’re peasants; people who do a lot of work, but never get paid. We’re very different from the toffs who skive off to limited-access events and important buildings. See? I got a lot of words off of BBC! My teacher says don’t use most of them. But wanker is a thing now at school, so I guess it’s too late.

See, us peasants, we make a country run, doing lots of ordinary things the aristocrats don’t think are important, like driving buses and cleaning and mowing lawns and what my mom says have now been designated as superfluous unprofessional hobbies like teaching or nursing (I had to write that sentence down when she said it and practice it and ask Grandma to repeat it a few times because it sounded good so I’m including it).

See, according to the rules, we can’t get paid because we’re just not useless enough, and being useless and mean and taking everything while believing that makes somebody better than other people is what those upper classes are all about.

But there are some real differences between types of upper crusts. You got celebrities, you got finance guys, you got tech gits, you got Congress; it’s a lot of material to cover. I am learning my stuff, you can tell, because my cousin who is older than me knows computer stuff but he kind of hates everyone but he’s really interesting. But I’m just trying to get you focused on the worst one, which is politicians, and politicians are a part of Congress, even if the country or the people of the country never are. So says my cousin who hates everyone. But he’s still kind of cool.

Okay, so, back to understanding celebrities versus Congress for right now, okay? They’re similar, that’s like kind of the same but not really, because they spend a lot of time telling everyone else what to do while changing clothes a lot. But meanwhile your life keeps getting worse because high society types can’t operate fridges or cars, much less do a government, whatever that is? But all the high society types just know how to fix everything.

You might be saying, well, why don’t they just get on it, then? The answer is because they have another clothes change to do, and they are always very busy with that. One of the key things you gotta look for in these upper-level people is that sometimes celebrities can say they have a role to play in one of those BBC productions, so it is an honest costume thing there.

Now, I’m not sure about their big events. Just endless yards of red turf they have to walk on, as if sidewalks aren’t good enough for them. Come to think of it, that’s maybe why those award shows are being sent to streaming. Maybe we’re all pretty tired of them demanding special foot surfaces while we can’t buy shoes. And with these tariff things, I’m not sure how much longer all that sidewalk fabric can be made or sent around or whatever. Seems like everything is tariffed and that’s not going well. But I know one teacher who said Congress can change that because they have the power of the purse and I have seen some of them on TV with purses, so, maybe, I don’t know. I guess they don’t know either.

I asked the janitor one day when I was staying late with another detention because this guy is smart and I always get good answers. He said “he would ask a small business owner who provides these aristocratic accoutrements for big nights when a massive march of metal and rocks engulfs the entire jewelry industry in a competition to dig up the biggest chunk of geologic superlative-ity, but there are no small business owners left because of tariffs and ice”. I had to write that one down, too, because it sounded good but it took me a few tries and I asked him to repeat it because it sounded funny, too, but also maybe not, but I’ve noticed smart people are like that. They can do both at the same time, even though I’m not supposed to be funny because it’s like, bad, but he said, kid, it’s good you’re learning. Nobody ever tells me that, they just say I’m not. Also I forgot to put quotes on some of the quotes stuff and that’s like, really bad, right? I gotta fix that.

Anyway, I think you get the idea that we’re dealing with some complicated things. It gets more ridiculous, though. Do you know how long it took me to learn to spell that? Grandma says English is stupid and sometimes I agree with her.

Alright so if you’re like, the upper money people, like a Congress or a celebrity, you have to have a lot of stuff, and you have to go in front of a lot of cameras and be on TV and streaming and social media and everything, like, all the time. Mom says that’s not governance and I learned that government is supposed to be about laws and rules and stuff so I give my mom points on that one. Talking on camera is kind of supposed to be a celebrity job so I don’t know what a Congress is doing doing that. Do you?

Anyway I don’t. I just know they have to look busy. All rushing by with papers and bags and groups. I even heard there are gangs in Congress! Like, what is going on? They have a whole team of other people they rush by with. Like sports. But only a Congress gets to be the quarterback and everyone else has to shut up. The other people kind of have to scurry like mice as some Congress person talks on camera and it looks super silly. I keep laughing when we watch the news and Mom says shut that off and Grandma won’t.

Now, if you’re a Congress, you need your posse of terrified mice running around and some papers and maybe an old briefcase while you talk forever. You can rush or stomp or parade or whatever, but I’ve never seen any of them skip or do jumping jacks. I keep waiting.

Busy, busy, busy! That’s what you have to look like. It’s different than celebrities because they have to look like they are on vacation forever. You’ll spot it quick, it’s really different, Congress has to act like they’re working. But here’s the thing: my mom says there’s more private jets in Congress than sports and more vacations in government than Hollywood. Even my Grandma agreed with that, which really says something.

They both write books, though, Congress and celebrities. I know because my aunt keeps handing my mom stuff she doesn’t want to read because she’s in a book club that my mom says is a bunch of brainwashed suburbanites who act like the New York Times bestseller list is a substitute for real creativity and she’s tired of already-famous people getting book deals when no one original does, and it’s all ghost written anyway. I didn’t know ghosts wrote books, but mom says it’s people who aren’t the people with their names on the book and I was like, what? You mean AI? Because I’ve been hearing a lot about AI and everyone says I have to stay away from it, so maybe that. I said Grandma should write a book, that would be original, and mom said, only if we hire an exorcist first. Okay, could be interesting. Also proves it is about ghosts so who is telling me what anyhow? I think I’ll bring it up again at dinner.

Anyway, the book thing might confuse you with both Congress and celebrities and all their book deals, so you have to look for suits instead. Who is wearing a suit? Is there a red carpet? Who has a briefcase? That kind of thing, then it’s really easy to tell them apart. They’re all on so many television shows it’s like, how would you know? And then it’s like there are television shows to talk about the other television shows where the Congress and the celebrities are on and I don’t really know why we need all this? It’s a lot.

Maybe that’s why my mom is super strict on screen time. Maybe it’s why Grandma needs to be exorcised. Maybe it’s why tariffs or lords and peasants or whatever, it’s just that how do you tell a Congress from a celebrity at all when they act on television and it looks like the same job? What’s a kid to do?

Write this stupid essay, I guess. Who knows what Congress is? They are supposed to have some job different than celebrities but it’s like no one knows that. What job do they do? It’s supposed to be something about government, that’s what we’re learning in class. But whatever, I’ve never seen them government anyway. What does it mean?

I just feel like I know what a celebrity is. I know what they do. They make shows and stuff you watch. So does Congress, but Congress has this whole other job? I’m not sure they do, I just know how to tell them apart now. I didn’t used to. When I was younger I kept getting confused and asking for the television show starring the funny old guy with the freaked-out hair and mittens who talked about medical stuff and money and like, had a personality. Like, he was great. That was my favorite show. And I don’t think my mom knew how to break it to me and she kept me in the dark for years ‘cuz she didn’t want to hurt my feelings that that guy was a Congress and not a celebrity in a TV show.

Anyway, I still like him and I still watch him. My cousin who is older than me and does all the computer stuff? He makes me the cuts. He gets all the bits with the white hair guy and puts them together and we sit and watch Bernie TV. That’s what my cousin calls it. We tried to make fan mittens to wear like those foam hands for sports but Mom got mad we wrecked her craft supplies.

So I guess this essay stinks because I don’t know what a Congress does so I can’t write about it, and this is me failing again in class for being funny or not understanding everything one more time. I hate school. But the janitor is here so that’s good.