The 'Merica Quiz

Celebrating 250 years of whatever happens next, we bring you this fine prep manual.

The United States of America is celebrating what anniversary this year?

a) Are we though? Are we?

b) Something about independence that never acknowledged interdependence

c) The Powdered Wig Uprising of Tax-Averse Attorneys

d) Maybe just taxidermy at this point

One of the best things about this year’s historic celebration will surely be…

a) The gas prices

b) The food prices

c) The lodging prices

d) Please shut up

Saying the July 2026 U.S. holiday festivities can be nonpartisan or bipartisan is like…

a) Some other decade

b) Some other country

c) Some wishful thinking

d) A big fat lie with an airplane-damaging triumphal arch on top

Traditional U.S. holiday décor for the famous July holiday includes…

a) Colorful explosives

b) Charcoal briquettes

c) Lighter fluid

d) What could go wrong?

In 1776, approximately what happened?

a) Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson competed for top literary influencer on the socials

b) George Washington hosted a UFC fight while crossing the Delaware in a gilded private luxury yacht

c) Sam Adams founded a beer company after ditching the tea concept

d) We all lost the chance at healthcare forever

The Declaration of Independence…

a) Is a divorce document acknowledging that no one signed a prenup

b) Still doesn’t apply to freelancers

c) Will cost you varying tiers of subscription prices, like everything now

d) Was once a popular YouTube channel, but just couldn’t maintain the viewer count

The U.S. Constitution bears a striking resemblance to…

a) Articles of pirate ships

b) The Oral Constitution of the Haudenosaunee Confederacy

c) Anything resembling ancient Greece and Rome

d) Wait, are you saying this thing was basically cribbed?

The coolest nickname of the American Revolution is…

a) Samuel Culper

b) Poor Richard

c) Molly Pitcher

d) The Swamp Fox

Little known causes of the Revolution include…

a) A rejection of British dentistry

b) Ranch dressing shortages

c) Disputes over which side of the road to drive on

d) Potato, potato, tomato, tomato

Some battles of the American Revolution took place in…

a) Canada

b) India

c) The Caribbean

d) Every time the U.S. is involved, things go global

Icons of early ‘Mericana include…

a) Abigail Adams as a daring epidemiology goddess for adopting variolation

b) Liquor Store Raccoon, musket version

c) The Yankee Doodle Dandy members’-only winter-firewood-estimator abacus

d) Porridge

Icons of today’s ‘Mericana include…

a) Unregulated vitamin hawkers

b) Unregulated private investment firms

c) Unregulated tech billionaires

d) Liquor Store Raccoon, because see all of the above

For this July’s most momentous national party, we’ll surely be…

a) Following the World Cup games

b) Sweltering in the unmitigated disaster of unaddressed climate change

c) Listening to limitless haranguing speeches about how we’re all supposed to feel

d) Just effing tired of this crazy era already

Answer Key: What are we going to become now? Any interest in national sanity?